Friday, July 16, 2010

42nd Street

Alright, now that I have caught up on all my blogs, I can finally post what is going on with me. Beware, this is a very lengthy post. Probably the longest I've written so if you can get through the whole thing, kudos!

I spent the past week in Milwaukee living on 42nd street with my brother, sister, and mother. It was one of the best weeks of my summer. We went to Six Flags/Hurricane Harbor on Tuesday (we ended up not going Monday because Jennifer got sick with her sickle cell), had my niece's birthday party on Saturday and watched the World Cup on Sunday together. It was an amazing week.

I left yesterday morning to go back to Chicago and before Jen left she gave me a hug goodbye and told me she loved me. I kissed her goodbye and she thanked me for everything I had done and that she would miss me. I watched her walk out of the door and just sat downstairs alone for a while. After that, I sadly packed my clothes up and brought it downstairs. I began to think and look around the house. I thought:
I will never be in this house again. Things will not be the same anymore and my family is going to change in the time I'm going to be gone. I really don't want to go. I can't. I don't want to leave 42nd street.
I took in every detail of that house like I was studying for a final exam. I wanted to remember every little detail and make sure I didn't forget a single picture that was hung, the colors of the sofa or the bedsheets, or the great smell of my momma's perfume. I just couldn't leave. Since I was alone in the house and momma was still asleep I decided to get my bed sheets I left at the house and load them into the car. I came back in to get the rest of my stuff from momma's room (since that's where I was sleeping for that week) and I saw she was in the bathroom. I got the rest of my stuff and loaded it in the car. By the time I got back downstairs, she was sitting there watching TV. I couldn't stop staring at her. It was just like the house, I wanted to remember what she looked like and what her voice sounded like. I sat down next to her and watched some TV with her. I curled up in her arms and told her I was going to miss her and that I couldn't bear to leave. I didn't want to, I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to live for months at a time without them. I started to cry in her arms. She stroked my hair and kissed my forehead and told me that I will always be her child and that as the oldest I have to be the first one to leave. I had to move on and start my new life with my husband.
I don't want to mommy. I just... can't. I mean, I love him and I've been waiting years to be with him. Before I met you, I couldn't wait to be with him. Now, I'm hesitant. You are the most important person to me next to him and living my life without you around is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I can't leave you behind. I know you don't like it when your kids beg but please don't make me go. Don't let me leave 42nd street. I don't want to be the first one to leave. I want to stay and have more fun times with you and my siblings (as tears are running down my face) and it's not fair. My real parents have had 22 years with me and I only had 3 years with you guys. I wish I could have had you in my life since I was little. To see me grow up and had the chance to raise me. Why didn't it happen that way?
She looked deep into my eyes and merely smiled. Her eyes were filled with water (keep in mind, she's not a cryer at all) and she just kept staring at me and stroking my hair.
You have to go baby. This is part of life. Eventually all my children will be gone but you just happen to be the oldest and you have to go first. I wish I had the chance to know you when you were young. To see how bad of a child you were (as she laughs) and to see what kind of a personality you had. If I had known about your past when you were younger, I would have fought to adopt you. God just had something else in mind for us. We weren't meant to meet until we did.
I got up and just stared at her. I knew she was right. I have to move on with my life and continue. They will still be there for me when I need them and I will always keep in contact with them. They will always be my family no matter what. Nothing will change that. As I was leaving, she walked me to the door, looked at me and gave me the biggest hug she had ever given me. Immediately, I started crying. I was pouring out emotions on her shoulders like a waterfall. She just rubbed my back and let me cry. She kissed my neck and told me that everything would be fine.
You will be fine baby. I'm going to be seeing you in two weeks for your wedding. So stop making me cry, I need to save all my tears for that day. Just think that when we do see each other again, we will be twice as happy and ten times more grateful for each other. So just call me when you get home and I love you.
I told her I loved her, kissed her goodbye, and as she watched me drive away from her house on the porch, I had this deep sinking feeling. How could I have walked away from a mother like that? It was impossible but I managed to do it. I maintained my composure the whole way home and all day until my brother started texting me last night and told me he was going to miss me. That sent me over. I cried all night and barely slept. I'm surprised my eyes look normal. My momma called me this morning and it was so hard to hear her voice. I broke down after that phone call. It's so hard and I don't know if I'm doing this to myself or if this is just the natural course of my emotions. I'm getting better at it though. I have managed to go the rest of the day without crying but I'm hoping that the wedding planning that I have left will keep my mind off of it.
You know the saying that everyone probably has told you... "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"?
My heart right now has been ripped in half. I'll miss you 42nd Street.

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