Friday, February 18, 2011

Deployment #2... sort of.

I deeply apologize fellow bloggers, but my lack of blogging has left me somewhat "out of the loop" and now I feel completely lost. However, I do have a good reason for my disappearance.

Some of you saw (or even know by now) through facebook that my husband had to leave unexpectedly earlier this week for a "mission" to Afghanistan. We found out with only HOURS notice. I bet you can only imagine how I feel.

He texted me that night and said he needed to talk to me. He had some urgent news for me. Of course, in any military wife's mind, you immediately fear the worst. I dread calling him back. I want to hear his voice but at the same time, I fear what he is going to tell me. I sit there staring at the phone thinking of what it could possibly be. It doesn't help that I'm driving with a car full of people either. When most of the people get out and it's just me and my mama left, I call him back. He breaks the news to me and I immediately start to cry. No matter how hard I tried to hold back my tears, they came dripping out anyway. I told him to give me a few minutes to get back home and compose myself so I hang up and absorb the information.

I get home and I walk in like a zombie. My sister is sitting on the sofa and I tell her I have to talk to her. She hangs up on her friend and I tell her the news. Her mouth drops two feet and can't believe what I am saying. She merely said "They can't do that, can they?" Sure they can, it's the military. They can do what they want. She asks me if I need a hug. I decline her offer for the moment and I call my best friend. Cry on the phone to her for a few minutes and then decide to call Mike. I express to him my worry and sadness as I begin to think of all the things that could happen. He merely tells me to sit down and listen to him. This is what he tells me:

"One of my friends really doesn't want to go on this. His wife just had a baby and he really doesn't want to go (understandable, why would you want to leave your wife and newborn?) so I'm going to go instead. I love you but I feel bad and he is one of my best friends."

Yep, that's MY amazing husband. I'm forever proud of him. He is the true definition of a wonderful Marine. I sit there and listen to his reasoning and I can't say no anymore. I can no longer beg him to stay. If he feels he needs to go, then I will let him go. Isn't there a saying that goes something like "If you love it, then set it free"? I can't remember. Anyway, he tells me that he will call me back since he has to stop at Wal-Mart to get light bulbs for the bedroom (apparently he has been living without a bedroom light for 2-3 weeks and he chose the night before he leaves to change it and not pack... that's my husband!) so I hang up and go up to my mother's room.

I sit there and explain to her that I don't know exactly how I feel. How should I feel? Should I feel sad? Angry? Upset? Shitty? Magenta. That's it. If you watch the Golden Girls enough, you will know what magenta means (in case you don't, magenta is where you feel a bit of everything all at once) so I sit in my mother's room with a magenta feeling. The kind where my stomach is in my throat and my heart is in my ass. I just can't explain the feeling other than I felt a mixture of everything. I sat there and told her my concerns. I asked for a hug and the minute her body touched mine, I broke down. I cried. Tears rolled down my face. She kissed my forehead and said in the best way she could: "He will be okay, I promise. He's a tough guy. Plus, you've got us to help you through this. You will be okay too."

Mothers know just the right thing to say sometimes, I swear. After she caressed my hair and patted me on the back I got up and started walking down the hall and my sister embraced me. I started crying again. She told me that she loves me and that she knows we will both be okay. I swear, this family is amazing. So after that, I felt a little better. I felt I could deal with this and have the support at home to get me through in case something does happen (extension, etc) and I'm positive that I can do this.

WE can do this.

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