I realized something yesterday when my husband left for the week for some work stuff. He had to travel 4 hours up north of the state and stay until Friday. This is the first time since the military I have gone more than a weekend without my husband. You never truly understand (I don't know, you might but this was just my experience) how much strength you acquire when you are a military spouse. It's amazing the strength we have and share with other spouses. Never let go of that.
I knew I was a strong person to begin with. I don't cry very often and I rarely worry about things to the extent it affects my daily life. Then when I became a military wife, it changed a little. I had to live with the person that was usually vacant from my life (since we didnt' live together previously) so once I got accustomed to him being around, him leaving was that much more painful but I was already used to him being away so it was easy for me. Deployments were obviously hard and I think that was the only time, aside from boot camp, where I cried when I said goodbye to him. Otherwise, I could get along just fine and know the time would fly if I kept myself busy. I had a job while I lived down in North Carolina and I had a few select friends I could hang out with. Plus, we had one of my husband's Marine buddies living with us at the time so I wasn't alone for part of the time. Even when I was, I learned to be self-sufficient and how to keep myself occupied with running errands, cleaning the house, working, etc. It was nice to know that I could do those things and not necessarily need a man around to do them. It was a nice feeling to know I had that strength within me.
Now, here comes the main point of my blog. I feel like since I have become an ordinary civilian wife, my strength has just gone on vacation. Yesterday when I said goodbye to my husband, I cried on my way out to work. I was sad all day. I was thinking to myself "Come on Carmen, it's 5 days. He's not even in a different state. Get it together! He's coming back safe and can talk to you everyday." I don't know why, but not having that constant pressure of the military made me strong and expect the unexpected. Granted, we got less than 24 hours notice of his trip and he can only call me when he has the time (sounds like the military, doesn't it?) but as the days are starting to go by, I'm gaining back my military mindset. It's just weird to be back in a similar scenario that I was in over a year ago. I miss that strength I had when I was a military spouse and the civilian life has definitely made my emotions have more control of my life. Regardless of that though, I'm determined to find that inner strength of mine that I know is there.